BALLARD — In a shocking turn of events, numerous Ballard bars have inadvertently revealed that alcohol is actually free by charging the same price for a mocktail as they do a standard cocktail.
“As a non-drinker, when I went to the ATM before going out, I was sure I’d taken out enough,” said Ballard bar-goer Brett Trumpet. “Then I saw the mocktail menu and realized I was somehow still budgeting for alcohol.”
While this revelation may seem shocking, the warning signs have been there for years.
“The writing was on the wall when meatless artisanal sandwiches started costing the same as the ones with meat,” said Trumpet. “We already knew the meat was free. It was only a matter of time before we found out the alcohol was too.”
Despite the frustration of patrons paying $18 or more for mixer, local bar owner Jenn McFlint says customers are ultimately paying for the same thing whether their drink contains booze or not.
“People can drink beer, wine, and cocktails at home,” said McFlint. “What they’re paying for here is ambiance. Community. Dim lighting. Attractive bartenders. Hearing someone describe their ski trip loud enough for the whole patio. The alcohol has never really been the point.”
While McFlint attempted to make a compelling argument for vibes and inclusivity, she admitted there is also a business component.
“Look, Gen Z isn’t drinking anymore,” McFlint said. “Good for them, honestly. But unless they’re planning to start ordering two Diet Cokes an hour, somebody has to keep the lights on.”
