BALLARD — After years of confidently explaining what every neighborhood restaurant is doing wrong, Ballardite Derek Plapson has announced he is finally ready to turn his opinions into a devastating personal financial event.
“For years I’ve been telling anyone who would listen, and even those who wouldn’t, what all these failing restaurants need to do to be successful,” said Plapson. “Finally, one of them said, ‘Okay, well then you should TOOOOOTALLLYYY do something about it!’ And I did!”
After liquidating his 401k, IRA, and what he described as “for sure at least hundreds of dollars” in crypto, Plapson purchased that one Italian place that has changed hands three times in the past five years. The plan? Keep what’s working and shake up things that are also definitely working.
“People expect big changes when a restaurant is under new ownership,” Plapson said. “That’s why I’m replacing the entire staff with my friends and removing the top sellers from the menu. If those dishes were so popular, the place wouldn’t have failed, you know?”
“Restaurants fail because people overcomplicate things,” said Plapson, who has never scheduled a server, negotiated with a produce vendor, unclogged a floor drain, or cried in a walk-in freezer. “You just need good food, good vibes, and maybe a really clean font on the menu.”
UPDATE: The Ballard Times has received information that though Plapson has yet to reopen his new restaurant, he is already 3 months behind on rent/pay.
